You will never hear me say “kiddo”

You will never hear me say “kiddo.” It has always irked me, and I’ve grown more and more frustrated when I hear it. I had to sit down to figure out why it bugs me so much. 

Kiddo is a pet name with a millennial twist. It’s like “doggo” for dogs or saying you’re “adulting” because you just “did a thing.” I used to think it was just a preference, but it’s more than that. Using kiddo factors into how rapport and relationships form between teenagers and adults as well as how both parties experience one another.

When you say kiddo to a teenager you instantly reinforce a hierarchy, whether you mean to or not. You are signaling that this will be like all of the other adult relationships they have. You’re lumped in with the teachers, coaches, and other adults who create the same hierarchy. 

Teenagers exist in a world where they’re constantly placed in a hierarchy with the adults in the room. They’re accustomed to adults making decisions about them, talking for them, and defining the context and boundaries of their lives. It takes a while, but when they realize you’re seeing them differently, they may start to see themselves differently, too. Let them take themselves seriously by taking them seriously. This can also change how they show up and respond to differences, disagreements, and conflict.  

Let’s say I have a difference of opinion with a teenager. They think they can skip school with no risk, but I think it can be risky to skip school. I'll usually let them sit with it and be right or find out for themselves that they’re not. Most times than not, they get there on their own faster than if I’d told them.

 Letting them get there on their own only works when they actually believe their perspective counts for something. Using their name tells them it does and kiddo tells them that it doesn’t, or only to a certain extent. 

I want to clarify that I'm not saying there should be no structure or establishment and understanding of roles when working with teenagers.  I'm still the therapist and they’re the client. There are boundaries in place as well as a role I assume to maintain safety and clinical integrity. However, none of that requires a hierarchy. You can hold a boundary without having to hold yourself above someone. 

So what do I say instead? I just use their name. If their name doesn’t fit, I use teenager or teen. If they’re 16 or older, I lean toward “young adult.” What I don’t do is use petnames or nicknames. It’s not something I do with adult clients, so I don’t practice it with teenagers, either. 

I don’t say this as judgement, but I think a lot of adults reach for the scripted kiddo approach because it gives them a sense of ease or comfort in the approach. And that’s exactly what can signal to the teenager that you are, in fact, just like every other adult in their world who uses kiddo with them. We need to consider the language used when building relationships with teens, and whose comfort that language is centered around. 

Teenagers deserve to be taken as seriously as any adult would be. 

This post is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as therapy, mental health treatment, or a substitute for professional care. Reading this blog does not create a therapist-client relationship between us. If you are struggling with a mental health concern, substance use, or crisis, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional in your state, or contact a crisis line if you are in immediate danger.

The views expressed here reflect my own clinical perspective and experience and are not a recommendation for any specific course of action for your individual situation. Every person and situation is different, and what's discussed in this post may not apply to your circumstances.