Three things to try before trying therapy

I’m a therapist and I don’t think therapy is the solution to everything. I’ve loved seeing the de-stigmatization of therapy in recent years, and I believe it has brought many people into the room who otherwise wouldn’t. However, I think some folks rely on therapy as the first and only solution to their problems. 

I don’t want to discourage people from seeking help and starting therapy, but I do want people to know there are other things to try that could help you or give you more material to bring into therapy. These are things that I often use as jumping off points in building a therapeutic alliance. 

Here are three things to try before trying therapy. 

1. Change how you relate to the problem. 

The first thing to try before therapy is to change your relationship to the problem. Let’s use the example of heavy drinking. 

Heavy drinking is more than just drinking in excess. It is constantly negotiating with yourself.. The “will-I-won’t-I” game where you already know the ending. Each failed attempt offers something new to hold against yourself. It is an invitation to your inner critic to judge and shame you. As crazy as it sounds, that critical part might actually be trying to help, but it usually leads you to another drink. 

Try changing the way you talk to yourself about the issue. Can you try turning the angry tone of disappointment into a caring tone of accountability? Or better yet, can you get curious instead of cruel? 

This exercise is not meant to let yourself off the hook or justify your behavior, especially if it’s one that has you considering therapy. It is meant to help you gain perspective and insight on your experiences and change how you relate to it. Maybe with a different relationship to the problem you can have a different outcome. 

2. Talk to someone about it.

There’s an important distinction between sharing what is happening and sharing how it makes you feel. Can you tell them what in life feels harder as a result of your drinking? What happens when you try to put a limit on it? Can you say the part that makes your stomach drop a little before you say it? 

Taking a risk – or not being able to –  can be enlightening and informative about where you are in relation to the problem and also how you could still be getting in your own way. Ultimately it can help you see how much shame is influencing or exaggerating the issue. Secrets are the footsoldiers of shame. Can you share honestly with someone you trust? 

3. Try something to change the behavior

This one might seem pretty obvious, but it’s important. Sometimes you need to run out of your own ideas before you’re ready to try someone else’s. Try cutting back on your drinking for a week, even a day, and see what happens. What parts of your life change and what remains unchanged? What do you notice as you move through your day? 

You might solve it right there. Plenty of people do. But if you try something else and it doesn’t move the needle, you can still gain a lot of insight about your situation. Knowing what hasn’t worked is only going to bring you closer to figuring out what will. 

Where this leaves you

If you've tried to explore and change how you relate to it, tried being honest with someone close about it, and tried changing it and it's still stuck, you may want to try therapy. Trying some of these before therapy might also give you some good insights on where to get started if you do decide to give therapy a try. 

Whether you’ve tried these things, other things, or have questions about therapy, you can contact me for a free consultation to explore if this might be the time to try therapy.