Right-sizing the risk
“Will they be upset with me if I disagree?”
“If I stay in tonight will she stop being friends with me?”
“We haven’t finalized any plans yet, I’ll say no to other plans until we do.”
These are some examples of how we negotiate relational risks.
Relational Risks
Relational risks are the real or imagined impact or outcomes that result from being close to someone. Risk is an inevitable part of any relationship because our actions and behaviors do impact the relationship. Oftentimes we overestimate, or assume, the risk is greater than it actually is.
One of the first things we do is learn about relationships – what moves people closer or farther? Who makes me feel less afraid? What sounds do I have to make to get someone to wipe my ass?
We continue learning throughout our lifetime, and as we do, some of our early impressions become more familiar. They feel safe and predictable. We use these predictable understandings of relationships to determine other ways to make things feel safe and predictable.
Assessing risks is one of the ways we try to accomplish this, and we are doing it all the time. Deciding what excuse to give your boss when you call in and what excuse you give your friend when you cancel plans carry different levels of risk even though they’re both about you canceling on a commitment.
Risk assessment allows us to adapt to different people and circumstances, but sometimes we don’t have the capacity to adapt to certain risks, or they feel riskier than we know they are.
It’s like the smoke detector in your house. It has to be there, and when it works, you are extremely grateful. But then the smoke detector goes off when you burn your toast or heat up leftovers. It’s screaming at you more than it’s saving you.
Little Kid Logic
As children, we had an overly simplistic view of the world. The good guys are good, the bad guys are bad. Good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. There is no context, no nuance, and little room for compromise. It is what I call Little Kid Logic.
So when a rupture occurred in a relationship, what did we do? We took that overly simplistic worldview and applied it to the relationship and ourselves. We needed a formula to solve the problem of How to Keep Mom Close. We worked it out on our own using our Little Kid Logic, and that formula became a blueprint for future equations.
Right-Sizing the Risk
Flash forward to today when you’re calling in to your boss and it feels like the scariest thing in the world. It might be because you’re not right-sizing the risk. That old formula may still get you the answer you want, but it won’t account for your circumstances today. When we right-size the risk, we are able to understand what’s actually at stake.
Right-sizing the risk is using your nose, eyes, and ears to determine if there’s a fire, and not relying solely on the smoke detector. Because even though the smoke detector can save your life, it will also scream at you over nothing. It’s updating the outdated blueprint you made with Little Kid Logic into more aware and informed Grown Up Logic.
Relational risks are not always easy to spot. You’ve had a lifetime of practice reinforcing the beliefs around them and new beliefs around those and so on and so forth. A relational approach to therapy allows us the opportunity to identify some of these relational risks you bargain with every day. You can read more about that here.
Resistance
Still, even with all of this understanding it can be hard to change these patterns and right-size the risk. That’s because relationship patterns are there for our protection. The brain is a funny thing and its primary objective is to keep you alive, so it’s not always concerned with how you feel in the relationship.
When you begin right-sizing the risk, the risks may feel even greater. That’s because your brain thinks you’re trying to throw out the smoke detector altogether, but that’s not the case. You’re trusting yourself enough to use your nose before you panic.
That heightened sense of risk can be helpful. It can be a guidepost toward what it is we actually want – the kind of relationships we want to feel and find ourselves in. Ultimately the risk is like the north star for your relational goals and values.
Trusting Yourself
Full disclosure: Not all relationships will survive when you right-size the risk. That’s because sometimes the real risk was staying. We just didn’t know it yet or didn’t have the updated logic to choose differently for ourselves. Some relationships will reach a depth previously unattainable because you’re finally showing up fully.
Whatever happens, you're learning to trust yourself and know the difference between a fire and burnt toast.
This post is for general informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as therapy, mental health treatment, or a substitute for professional care. Reading this blog does not create a therapist-client relationship between us. If you are struggling with a mental health concern, substance use, or crisis, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional in your state, or contact a crisis line if you are in immediate danger.
The views expressed here reflect my own clinical perspective and experience and are not a recommendation for any specific course of action for your individual situation. Every person and situation is different, and what's discussed in this post may not apply to your circumstances.
